self care is running naked through a car wash and getting into a fistfight with god – Katherine
At last, the final post – and the conclusion to my self care titles. Two truly tragic endings, I know.
My big question going into his assignment was if I can find myself? Can I learn more about myself by looking inside myself? These had a lot to do with my theory of self, and if I am merely a collection of properties or if there is something uniquely “me” inside of me. This led to my other questions: What am I made of? How does bundle theory work? And finally, can doing something peaceful like meditation or spending time alone lead to realizations about myself?
My plan for Phil’s Day off changed quite a bit: while I was searching for something “quirky”, as Mr. Jackson put it, I couldn’t think of anything as cool as bungee jumping, especially as my whole plan kinda revolved around me spending quiet time. Alone. Whoohooo, real thrilling. My first draft of a plan was to spend all Friday night on my patio, taking advantage of the cold and quiet and no sleep to really isolate myself and think. This was quickly foiled when I passed out at 10 pm. My ultimate plan turned out to be a bit simpler: I would climb out of bed Sunday morning at 4 am, make myself some coffee, and sit covered in blankets until 7, watching the sunrise and “thinking”. not the most thrilling, but a pretty peaceful and unique experience for me.
What happened in reality: it was cold. It was also a lot easier to wake up than I thought: wrapped myself in blankets and a hat, made myself some coffee, took my notebook and a pencil outside, put my phone away, and situated myself comfortably in a chair. Yes, it was cold. The first ten minutes were mostly me figuring out how to cover all the parts of my body with at least three layers.
Then I sat. And watched the sky.
See, it’s kind of hard to force yourself into a philosophical frame of mind. I figured the first step would be to sit back, notice the quiet, and let my thoughts take over. I had been pondering this assignment the whole weekend, so luckily my questions were fresh in my mind. the first sort of “thinking” thing I did was to take out my notebook and try to write down a list of all my properties: all the things that make up “me” According to bundle theory, I am nothing more that a bundle of properties with no real substance besides these properties. So what all went together into making me? I knew things like height, weight, age, but did emotions come into it? did the fact that I was cold and tired while writing the list influence me? Is my family a property, even though they aren’t me? Is it the fact that I was raised with a family one of my properties? Needless to say, my list got a bit complicated:
(I might have recopied this so y’all can read my writing. Writing at 5 am with no lights and gloves on does not lend itself to legibility.)
The last thing I wrote down was “warm”. By the time I was done the list, the blankets had kicked in. So was I a different “self” by the end of the list? Technically, since I get older every second, I am a different “self” every second?? In conclusion: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! But I tried not to think to much about it, and instead tried to write down every philisophical thought I had.
Further musings include (i had about seven more pages, but I’m not going to put you through all that) :
Summary of my unintelligible writing:
- I “have” properties but also “am” properties. difference??
- do i need others in order to find myself?
- am I only interested in others for their relation and effect on me & my life?
- am i discovering myself or my properties?
- why am i thinking about the X-Men???
- is personaility a property of the self?
- are emotions??
- i would like to live as a hermit with no distractions. I would think a lot more.
- is thinking related to Being or Self? or both??
- thinking outside is different from class because i am alone (though we are never alone)
- thinking outside is different from class because there is no dissent by whats in my head/only my thoughts
- thinking outside is different from class because theres nothing to do but think
- who is using a drill at 4 am
As you can see, my night was mostly questions. Not in a bad way, though: just sitting there in the queit morning, pondering my life and who I was. Nearing the end of my experience, I had one final “big” question:
Am I discovering myself, or questioning myself? Are they different?
See, the whole point of my Phil’s Day off had been to try and find myself, yet all I found was questions. But did asking and trying to answer these questions teach me more about myself? Did I unlock somehting inside me or simply find more properties?
In the end, I decided: yes. Yes, I am discovering myself. I am questioning myself. And the two are not different, but connected. I can find myself through questioning myself.
Was this a success? Can’t be sure. I’m pretty sure that’s the whole point of philosophy, though: nothing is sure.
But did I learn something? Hell yea.